An Open Letter To Mel Gibson

Dear Mel,

Sorry to hear about your run-in with the L.A. County Sheriff's last week. Sorry to hear you've fallen off the wagon. It happens to the best of us, pal.

But Mel, buddy, what's the deal with all that shit coming out of your mouth? I mean, c'mon dude. Anti-Semitic comments? Asking the deputy if he's a Jew? What's up with that? Oh, and Mel, bolting away from the deputy as he's trying to put you in the car is a pretty bad idea. If you'd done that to me I would've tasered the hell out of your Lethal Weapon ass.

I had a good bit to drink on Saturday night. I'd like to think that if I'd been pulled over, I wouldn't go blaming Hebrews of the world for my misfortune. It's just wrong, man. Just wrong.

After that little episode, I think you'll have a much better recovery from the problems you're having with alcohol than you will from the bullshit remarks you made.

And before I forget, clean your appearance up a bit, will ya? That nappy beard and shit is really making you look like the drunk uncle that no one likes to sit next to at weddings. The barber's chair won't hurt. I promise.

And, in conclusion, it's generally regarded as a bad idea to call a female booking Sergeant "Sugartits." At one point, like so many other women, she probably wanted to sleep with you, but you blew it pal, you blew it.

Yours Truly (you dumb-assed drunk),
P.

I'm Such A Puckhead

In as much as I love the hell out of the regular season and the playoffs, I almost get just as excited about all the goings on in the world of hockey when July 1st rolls around.

I always enjoy seeing what happens in free agency. There have been plenty of off-season moves so far this year. Some were a little surprising, others, not so much.

I could talk about things like Belfour going to Florida, Pronger to Anaheim, or Chara to Boston, but let's talk about our Washington Captials, shall we?

I dig that they got what seems to be a pretty decent defenseman in Brian Pothier. Signing him to a four year contract was also a smart move. As lousy as this team has been on the blueline the past couple of seasons, it's nice to see that they are making a decent effort to get a quality guy in that spot who won't be gone after one season.

I like that we've re-signed guys like Steve Eminger, Shaone Morrisonn, Brent Johnson, Brooks Laich and Brian Sutherby. I like that Ben Clymer was given a three year contract. I like that Rico Fata was re-signed because I think he's got good hustle. Let's see if he can play a decent full season this year. I don't really know that I like Matt Bradley being given a 2 year contract. He's got grit, but that's about it. Not a terribly impressive player. Oh well, they can't all be gold.

Also acquired as a free agent was Donald Brashear. I'm really on the fence about this move. He's hardly what I'd consider a quality guy to have on the wing. Let's face it, he's a goon, an enforcer. A little protection for Ovechkin? (hey, that almost rhymes!). I suppose, but AO really doesn't have much of a problem dealing with defensemen. He lays on just as many hits as he takes. Tough kid. But if we have a guy sitting on the bench that would dissuade opponents from taking a cheap shot at him because they know that Coach Hanlon will put Brash on the ice to handle business, that's cool.

Another decent move was re-aquiring Richard Zednik. I liked him a lot when he was in Washington before. He's got great speed and he's come a long way with his shooting and puck handling. I'm looking forward to seeing him in a Caps uniform again.

Of course the rumor mills are still buzzing like hell about the possibility of Peter Bondra returning to Washington. I, personally, wouldn't mind seeing Peter return, hit the 500 mark, and retire as a Capital. I'll admit he's not the player he once was, but he's still got some shit to bring to the ice. Not a first line winger anymore, but far from being a healthy scratch.

Oh, and before I forget. So long to Jeff Halpern. I hope you enjoy being a third or fourth line center in Dallas. And enjoy that $2 million a year contract. You probably won't see numbers like that again. Sorry folks, I know some people really liked him as a Cap, but I was never really impressed. And for God's sake, Jeff, you're from fucking Potomac, Maryland, you can lose that Canadian accent when you speak! The guy sounds like fucking Barry Melrose!

I'm excited about the way our team is starting to look. And you better believe I'll be at Verizon Center on opening night. I'm definitely making it out to more games this year. Work be damned! I've got hockey to watch!

My Homage

You've probably noticed a slight change in the layout here. I was pretty bored this evening and thought I'd dedicate a little time to sprucing this thing up a little bit. And what better way than to pay tribute to the most wacked-out person I can think of - Christopher Walken.

This guy is definitely on the short list of people I'd love to meet. He's so incredibly weird, and funny, and I'm not so sure that he even tries. I've loved him in pretty much every movie I've seen him in, and especially when he's hosted Saturday Night Live. Yes, I do own the "SNL: Best of Christopher Walken" DVD. It's an absolute classic. If you don't have it, rush right out and get it. You gotta love the "Colonel Angus" sketch! If you've never seen it, say the name a couple times fast and you should get the joke.

My admiration for the man was sparked by the Kevin Pollak show at the Improv Saturday night. It was a damn good time. Kevin puts on a great show and has some incredibly funny material which includes one of the best Walken impressions I've ever seen (he also does a great Alan Arkin). After the show, I had to buy his latest CD "A Little Off the Top," as it is pretty much a CD of the show he performed. Also got to meet him and got him to autograph the CD. Kevin is a really cool guy. Incredibly short (I'm talkin' like 5'05"), but very cool. Check out his CD as well, damn funny stuff.

Walken is the man.

Holy Shit, It's Friday!

This week has pretty much flown by, and I really don't feel like I've accomplished much. Bummer. I still have tons of work to do here at Casa de la P. I work evenings next week, so I guess I'll drag my ass out of bed early each morning and keep plugging away at it before I head into the office.

Tonight I'm heading out to hang out with my brother. It will pretty much be the first time we've really done anything since he's moved back to Maryland. Apparently the wife and kids are visiting their Aunt in Chicago, so I guess he's bored. He called the other night and suggested going to Herndon (VA) to check out a band. I'm all for it bro, but you're driving. Driving into Northern VA, especially on a Friday night, is a pain in the ass.

Tomorrow I'm going to check out Kevin Pollak at the DC Improv. I'm looking forward to that since I think he's pretty damn funny and I haven't been to the Improv in a few years. Should be a good time.

Sunday is lawn mowing day. And yes, it will take the better part of the day. I have almost an acre to mow and all I have is my push mower. It's one hell of a workout, but if I don't take a couple breaks during the process, I'll probably give myself heat stroke (which I almost did last week). Well worth the effort though. I'd hate to look like the white trashy neighbor on the block.

Okay mi amigos, time to crank up the music, hit the shower, and make my way off to work. Peace & Chicken Grease!

I'm So Easily Amused

I was turned on to this website today and it's probably one of the stupidest concepts for a website, but I still find it funny as hell. Check it out, it's a good, cheap laugh.

Chuck Norris Facts

The fact list spans several pages, and there are some stupid ones in there. But there are a lot of clever factoids about America's Favorite Badass. One of my personal favorites - "One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors." And, of course, "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys."

Yes, I'm Still Alive (But Only Barely)

Hey guys. It's been a busy couple of weeks here. Moving went about as well as it could have. Nothing was destroyed along the way. I'm assuming that everything reached its destination, but since I'm still pretty far from being totally unpacked, it's hard to say. I haven't had internet access at my place yet (Verizon turns it on this Thursday, Thank God!), so I've had to resort to using a work computer to check my e-mail and stuff as I can. Thought I'd use it for a moment to check in.

I've spent the little free time I've had getting this place in order, but have encountered the minor setbacks along the way. I have to re-caulk the bathroom tub downstairs since whoever did it before did a horrible job and water leaks every time you take a shower. They may not have cared much for this happening - I do. I'm convinced that the people who lived here before me were the laziest people on the face of the Earth. Not that I'm the Crowned Prince of Motivation, mind you, but I at least make an effort to keep my shit clean.

In the little more than a week that I've been here my power has gone out twice (I hope that this isn't a usual thing here in the neighborhood) and my cable is out as we speak (and that was only hooked up this past Saturday!). I'm really hoping that this is all the bullshit I'll have to endure with my utilities.

Other than that, I'm totally digging this place and I can honestly say that once I've put everything in order and gotten everything cleaned up, etc., it will be a very swingin' pad.

Alright, gotta get back to work. Bob Vila can kiss my ass!

P.S. - The All-American Rejects' "Move Along" kicks ass - check it out.