An Open Letter To Mel Gibson

Dear Mel,

Sorry to hear about your run-in with the L.A. County Sheriff's last week. Sorry to hear you've fallen off the wagon. It happens to the best of us, pal.

But Mel, buddy, what's the deal with all that shit coming out of your mouth? I mean, c'mon dude. Anti-Semitic comments? Asking the deputy if he's a Jew? What's up with that? Oh, and Mel, bolting away from the deputy as he's trying to put you in the car is a pretty bad idea. If you'd done that to me I would've tasered the hell out of your Lethal Weapon ass.

I had a good bit to drink on Saturday night. I'd like to think that if I'd been pulled over, I wouldn't go blaming Hebrews of the world for my misfortune. It's just wrong, man. Just wrong.

After that little episode, I think you'll have a much better recovery from the problems you're having with alcohol than you will from the bullshit remarks you made.

And before I forget, clean your appearance up a bit, will ya? That nappy beard and shit is really making you look like the drunk uncle that no one likes to sit next to at weddings. The barber's chair won't hurt. I promise.

And, in conclusion, it's generally regarded as a bad idea to call a female booking Sergeant "Sugartits." At one point, like so many other women, she probably wanted to sleep with you, but you blew it pal, you blew it.

Yours Truly (you dumb-assed drunk),
P.